A lot of life-changing events has happened since I last visited my site.
These things have either thought me to be strong or numb. At times when I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle such strong emotions, I've developed a way of blocking emotions or at least pretend that I'm doing so. There are times when I try to absorb the problem while thinking of a solution to try to solve it, but one of two things just happens. It either leaves me feeling numb, or the problem just goes away without being solved.
When Tatay passed away Last April 2 at around 2 am, I didn't know what to do. I received a call from my sister but I couldn't understand what she was saying. It didn't sink in until a few hours after the call and after I've been able to cry. Months before Tatay's death, while he was battling Lung Cancer, it seems I was already having an out of the body experience. I knew I was supposed to be hurting, I knew I was supposed to be sad but I don't think I was feeling it hard enough. I was so dependent on Tatay, he has always been there for me. He was there when I gave birth to both of my kids, he was there when I needed a driver, he was even the one who took care of all those trips to the hospital and to the City Hall for both of my kids' birth certificates. Tatay was also there for me when my daughter had her open heart surgery, he also helped me with the paper work needed for the hospital. I couldn't help but feel guilty because I wasn't always there for him when he was sick. I couldn't be by his side to take care of him because I was taking care of my kids, too. I couldn't even contribute financially for his medicines and hospitalization because I didn't have a job. Tatay meant the world to me, and it looks like I've failed him. I know that's how our relatives and family friends sees it. But at that time, I also didn't know what to do. What I do know is that I also have to preserve myself, because if i succumbed to the pain, there will be nothing left for me. I do hope that Tatay understands and has somehow forgiven me. I need whatever feelings I have left to start anew.
Recently, the pain of Tatay's death has started to ebb, but another life changing event is about to happen. My husband's monthly trips to China will end this year and pretty soon I will really have to start my job hunting. He's been pressuring me for 2 months, but I'm not ready to leave my kids at home yet with the Yaya. I know we need this because we have the condo to pay for, we have the car to pay for, and we have the property in Laguna to pay for. On top of that my kids have to go to good schools too, and we have other obligations that we've been putting on hold and they need to be settled, too.
I guess these changes are constant and the best thing to do is to face them. I'm going job hunting if that will help make things better. I just hope I still have what it takes. And the fact that I am blogging again means that things are already changing. Maybe I'm starting to be happy again.