Sunday, October 21, 2012

If things Really Do Happen For A Reason, Please Let Me Find The Answers Now.

A lot of life-changing events has happened since I last visited my site. 
These things have either thought me to be strong or numb. At times when I feel that I wouldn't be able to handle such strong emotions, I've developed a way of blocking emotions or at least pretend that I'm doing so. There are times when I try to absorb the problem while thinking of a solution to try to solve it, but one of two things just happens. It either leaves me feeling numb, or the problem just goes away without being solved. 
     When Tatay passed away Last April 2 at around 2 am, I didn't know what to do. I received a call from my sister but I couldn't understand what she was saying. It didn't sink in until a few hours after the call and after I've been able to cry. Months before Tatay's death, while he was battling Lung Cancer, it seems I was already having an out of the body experience. I knew I was supposed to be hurting, I knew I was supposed to be sad but I don't think I was feeling it hard enough. I was so dependent on Tatay, he has always been there for me. He was there when I gave birth to both of my kids, he was there when I needed a driver, he was even the one who took care of all those trips to the hospital and to the City Hall for both of my kids' birth certificates. Tatay was also there for me when my daughter had her open heart surgery, he also helped me with the paper work needed for the hospital. I couldn't help but feel guilty because I wasn't always there for him when he was sick. I couldn't be by his side to take care of him because I was taking care of my kids, too. I couldn't even contribute financially for his medicines and hospitalization because I didn't have a job. Tatay meant the world to me, and it looks like I've failed him. I know that's how our relatives and family friends sees it. But at that time, I also didn't know what to do. What I do know is that I also have to preserve myself, because if i succumbed to the pain, there will be nothing left for me. I do hope that Tatay understands and has somehow forgiven me. I need whatever feelings I have left to start anew.
     Recently, the pain of Tatay's death has started to ebb, but another life changing event is about to happen. My husband's monthly trips to China will end this year and pretty soon I will really have to start my job hunting. He's been pressuring me for 2 months, but I'm not ready to leave my kids at home yet with the Yaya. I know we need this because we have the condo to pay for, we have the car to pay for, and we have the property in Laguna to pay for. On top of that my kids have to go to good schools too, and we have other obligations that we've been putting on hold and they need to be settled, too.
      I guess these changes are constant and the best thing to do is to face them. I'm going job hunting if that will help make things better. I just hope I still have what it takes. And the fact that I am blogging again means that things are already changing. Maybe I'm starting to be happy again.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Overcoming My Fear of Driving

Hi blog! Did you miss me? I know it's been a while. I'm sorry I have not visited you for so long. I have been very busy updating my stagnant driving skills.

It's been over a month since hubby bought Jazzy, and up to now I still can't drive and park her alone. Good thing, my sister Dottie has been a very patient co-pilot. She's been my constant driving companion/ critic/ hand break-puller (I've had 2 instances of near-accidents already, and I'm not proud of it)

Last Sunday, during the Pacquio-Marquez fight, I did a dry run for picking up hubby at the airport on Thursday. Geez..I was driving for more than 3 hours. It felt more like going home to the province than picking someone up at an airport in Metro Manila. I got lost going there and ended up in Bicutan, then I got lost again on our way home.

Good thing there's a police station at the Roxas Blvd service road located 6 corners away from UN Avenue. The police officers were very kind, they were very helpful and they made me a beautiful map so that I will not get lost again going to Sta. Mesa. God for good samaritans.

I enjoyed driving that daydespite being lost and having slight errors. It was my first big drive and truly an experience that I will never forget.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Just Like The Old Times

I spent last weekend bonding with my best friend Maita. We have been friends since third grade. We were classmates 3 out of the 4 years in high school. Since Maita and I were friends classmates and our brothers were classmates back in grade school, our moms had no choice but to become friends as well. When we get sick and had to miss school, my Nanay and Tita Lydia would sometimes call each other or go to each other's houses to copy our missed assignments.

Maita and I also belong to the same circle of friends. We all went to different universities back in college, but our communication didn't stop. My friends and I all became godparents to Maita's eldest child, since Maita was the first in the barkada to have a child.

We would often go to each others houses or meet up somewhere for a little chit chat. So, last weekend, Maita wanted to meet up. She went over to my place to pick me up. I brought my son along so that her youngest kid would have somebody to play with.

We talked about everything. We talked about our kids, our husbands, our lives as desperate housewives, our problems, our frustrations, name it, we've talked about it. What I like about Maita is that I don't have to pretend, I can tell her anything, she can tell me anything. She can tell me straight to my face if I look terrible, I can tell her to shut up and keep quiet when her mouth is too noisy.

So last weekend, I taught her how to put on make-up so that she would look pretty for her husband. We experimented with colors just like teenage girls would. We did that while our kids were running around like wild monkeys. I looked at her wedding album and wondered why I wasn't there. She told me I had an important exam to study for that time that's why I wasn't able to make it. Too bad, what could be more important than my best friend? We can re-take exams but best friends are hard to find.

I went home happy that time. We should do that more often.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Thinking of Moving South

My husband took me out house hunting last week. I must say I was really surprised with my hubby's planning skills . When we got to Sta. Rosa,Laguna he had already made appointments with 2 agents. We met the first agent in the morning. We did our tripping at The Mandara in Silang-Sta.Rosa. I liked the place, it had a majestic view of Laguna de Bay and the amenities were nice. The sun was at its hottest but I barely felt the heat because of the cool breeze coming from the nearby lake. I fell in love with the place at once, and the properties had large cuts but (here comes the BUT part),...My hubby was concerned with security. The subdivision was easily accessible through the neighboring subdivision which is Sta.Rosa Heights. Plus, hubby had a boss who lived there and he had a bad experience with thieves who stole there electric cables. The agent also sounded desperate, and was really convincing us to reserve. I don't like being pressured. That was minus points for the poor agent. Too bad, but he was really kind and accommodating.

We met with the next agent in Nuvali. He took us to Avida Village and we looked at model units, after that he took us to Avida Settings which I think was a nice community but, we couldn't afford it.

Avida, a project of Ayala Land boasts of an eco-friendly environment and it is close to schools and hospitals. The agent even mentioned that it will have its own Alabang Town Center inside the Avida compound. Commercial establishments are already being developed in Nuvali and it is already beginning to look like Manila, not to mention the call centers. When we finally move in to Sta. Rosa, I'll never have to worry about employment, there's plenty to chose from. While we were entering the Village, I saw a sign saying Xavier School opens by June 2012...Wow, this place must really be meant for us. This was one of our concerns, we weren't sure there were Chinese Schools in Sta. Rosa, until I saw the sign. When the agent mentioned round-the-clock security and a shuttle service for commuters, he had us sold.

I know the kids and I will enjoy living there. Safe environment with cool, fresh air. Unlike the air we breath here in Q.C. it is flavored by Arlington Crematorium.

I wonder what it would be like living in Nuvali. It is such a high-end community I'm worried our funds would not be enough to pay for the new house. Liam would be starting school next year and it would really be tough on my husband's pocket. I really do need a job, but first I need a yaya to take care of my gremlins. I'm thinking about transcription or online english tutor jobs with a little bit of internet jobs on the side. Any suggestions anyone?

 Picture taking while we wait for Lunch to be served @ Conti's
I hope we can make things happen for the little ones.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I Love Balloons

My daughter's 1st birthday sparked my interest for DIY balloons. Since then, I've downloaded youtube videos and took a balloon seminar to enhance my craft. At first I wanted to put up a balloon/party needs business, but due to lack of time and manpower I've decided to do it some other time. Maybe when my babies are all grown up, I'll be able to focus on that. For now, It is just a hobby...a means to shut them up when they get too rowdy and noisy, while I watch them admire my creations. My kids are my number 1 fans.

Since many of you asked for it, here are some of my balloon works - with my kids as models, of course.

Here are some of my latest experiments:
 My experimental pillar. It is as tall as my 3'3" 2 yr old son
 I don't know what to call this..
 The Hanging Balloon String of Pearls

The Balloon Arch I made for my godson on his 9th birthday

and here are some of my older creations:
 My son Liam with Cookie Monster and Elmo
 Lightning McQueen
 My Little Ca-re wearing my flower bracelets
 Flo, Lightning and Ramone(they can all be worn as bracelets)
A tall centerpiece

I have a problem this month. My good friend Cheryl is asking me to decorate their venue at UP Bahay Kalinaw for her son's 1st birthday party, but with my yaya gone, how can I possibly do that? I'm praying for a miracle, I hope I'll be able to do it with 2 babies in tow. took me ages to upload these. I hate my internet connection. I hope you guys enjoy looking at them

Friday, July 1, 2011

Why I Haven't Blogged For A While

I haven't blogged for a while..I would really love to but I haven't got the time. The yaya of my kids left us early this month, so what..I'm not scared. If she thinks she can trick me into giving her an increase, well sorry I'm not that pea-brained. It is better that way, I don't want to be blamed if she gets pregnant early while under my management. She has a penchant for attracting our foreigner neighbors(spell Irani). She thinks she looks pretty but I don't have the nerve to tell her the reason why the security guards and delivery boys would always like to get her attention. She wears make up even if She will just go to the supermarket downstairs. She wears skimpy shorts(I call them pek-pek shorts) and tight clothing..what would the guys think? The other parents think my yaya looks sexy but I don't think that sexy is the right word. I think they are just being polite.

Anyway, another reason why I'm not visible lately is because my hands were busy making my beautiful balloon creations. Yes, I love balloons, it is my new hobby. I promise to post pics next time. Right now let me just make do with stolen time, while my kid is still distracted.

Being a stay-at-home mom is tough, but I refuse to give in and be scared with horror stories of life without a yaya. I think it is better this way.  Less stress, less worries. I can leave my valuables anywhere, and the devil may care.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

How Motherhood Changed Me

Motherhood  is such a vague term. Is there such a thing as a perfect mother? Pardon me if I say this, but I don't think so. Moms are only human after all. We all have flaws, it's inevitable.

So, what really is motherhood? Some people describe their experiences on motherhood like it was some pleasant walk in the park, but I tell you, mine isn't. Mine is more like a baptism of fire. I've only been a wife for 3 years, my eldest is only 2 years old and my youngest child just turned 1, but, my parenting life has already been a whirlwind of experiences. 

How has motherhood changed me? I tell you, it wasn't easy. It was a 360 degrees turn, and I changed because I had to, not because I wanted to. Motherhood for me meant that I had to stop being the bitchy and whiny person that I am because I have to give way and listen to another person's whines. It meant that I had to give up some of my guilty pleasures. Things that I normally enjoy by myself  now had to be enjoyed with the whole family. Food that I enjoy eating by myself, like my favorite bar of chocolate, now had to be shared with my little gremlins. From being a spoiled-rotten kid, I had to learn the concept of  improvisation (if there's such a term) and resourcefulness the hard way. I used to hate cooking (because I'm a bad cook), but now I'm kinda enjoying it more because my kids are always requesting for good food. I don't know how they did it but they turned something I hate into a passion.

Motherhood has taught me a lot of things. Among these are patience, love, understanding, sacrifice, appreciation, respect and selflessness. The near-death experience of my daughter when she had open-heart surgery also taught me how to be tough and how to pray with faith. As a mother, it taught me how to accept that some things are really just beyond our control and we just have to trust God, hang on, and believe that everything will be ok. I even shaved my head off in my attempt to bargian for my daughter's life. My hair is my fettish, and I gave it up for her. I chose to go bald to save her life.

The doting mother that I am now is because of my kids who taught me that I was capable of giving so much love without expecting anything in return. It is also because of my husband who loves me for who I am who understands that I am not perfect. It is also because of my parents whom I've yet to thank for always being there to guide me in my attempt to explore the wonderful world of parenthood. 

Because of my experiences as a mom, I've grown to love, admire and respect my mom more, now I know what she had to put up with raising 3 smart asses. I only have 2 kids but I feel like giving up already, especially when they get too much to handle. If I give birth to one more kid, that may be the cause of my death in the near future..too much stress is bad for my health.

My Family

Motherhood for me is not always a blissful experience. It is sometimes happy, but peppered with bittersweet moments. It has made me a dynamic and partly schizophrenic person. It has taught me the value of unconditional love. I would like to think that being a mom has made a better person. It has made me feel complete and important. It motivated me to strive and be the best that I can be. Being a mom is an overnight thingy, it is a constant learning experience. Yeah, it is tough and challenging, but I wouldn't have it any other way.