How Motherhood Changed Me

Motherhood  is such a vague term. Is there such a thing as a perfect mother? Pardon me if I say this, but I don't think so. Moms are only human after all. We all have flaws, it's inevitable.

So, what really is motherhood? Some people describe their experiences on motherhood like it was some pleasant walk in the park, but I tell you, mine isn't. Mine is more like a baptism of fire. I've only been a wife for 3 years, my eldest is only 2 years old and my youngest child just turned 1, but, my parenting life has already been a whirlwind of experiences. 

How has motherhood changed me? I tell you, it wasn't easy. It was a 360 degrees turn, and I changed because I had to, not because I wanted to. Motherhood for me meant that I had to stop being the bitchy and whiny person that I am because I have to give way and listen to another person's whines. It meant that I had to give up some of my guilty pleasures. Things that I normally enjoy by myself  now had to be enjoyed with the whole family. Food that I enjoy eating by myself, like my favorite bar of chocolate, now had to be shared with my little gremlins. From being a spoiled-rotten kid, I had to learn the concept of  improvisation (if there's such a term) and resourcefulness the hard way. I used to hate cooking (because I'm a bad cook), but now I'm kinda enjoying it more because my kids are always requesting for good food. I don't know how they did it but they turned something I hate into a passion.

Motherhood has taught me a lot of things. Among these are patience, love, understanding, sacrifice, appreciation, respect and selflessness. The near-death experience of my daughter when she had open-heart surgery also taught me how to be tough and how to pray with faith. As a mother, it taught me how to accept that some things are really just beyond our control and we just have to trust God, hang on, and believe that everything will be ok. I even shaved my head off in my attempt to bargian for my daughter's life. My hair is my fettish, and I gave it up for her. I chose to go bald to save her life.

The doting mother that I am now is because of my kids who taught me that I was capable of giving so much love without expecting anything in return. It is also because of my husband who loves me for who I am who understands that I am not perfect. It is also because of my parents whom I've yet to thank for always being there to guide me in my attempt to explore the wonderful world of parenthood. 

Because of my experiences as a mom, I've grown to love, admire and respect my mom more, now I know what she had to put up with raising 3 smart asses. I only have 2 kids but I feel like giving up already, especially when they get too much to handle. If I give birth to one more kid, that may be the cause of my death in the near future..too much stress is bad for my health.

My Family

Motherhood for me is not always a blissful experience. It is sometimes happy, but peppered with bittersweet moments. It has made me a dynamic and partly schizophrenic person. It has taught me the value of unconditional love. I would like to think that being a mom has made a better person. It has made me feel complete and important. It motivated me to strive and be the best that I can be. Being a mom is an overnight thingy, it is a constant learning experience. Yeah, it is tough and challenging, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Window Pane

My cellphone has been neglected for a few days now. I've lost  my interest in reading forwarded messages, mushy quotes, corny jokes, chain text messages,  and so on and so forth.

The only purpose it serves now is just to take pictures and put my kids to sleep while listening to downloaded childrens' songs and videos. Since hubby is far away, we've resorted to communicating via the internet.

I was browsing through my cellphone pictures and I found some new shots. They were a little bit blurred, obviously taken by an amateur. But one particular picture caught my attention.

This picture was taken by my 2 year old son,a view from the room of our condo unit. Would I be able to take a picture twice as good as this? Hell no! 
I don't even take pictures half as good as his. Looks like my son will become a photographer someday...

Not Everything Is Just One Click Away

I feel a bit sad today.

I joined a paid to read and rate articles site and have already made $20 from it. For days I labored to read these articles though I find some boring. I usually do this while I toggle through reading my emails, looking at facebook and reading forums on just about anything.

Through these forums, I read about a paid to chat site (I dunno, I felt naive at that time and a little bit bored,too) that I also joined. I was chatting with one of the members asking me to join a paid to click site when this member mentioned that my paid to rate articles site is a scam. I felt devastated. I said, "Oh no! You have got to be kidding me! I'm so addicted to it already and I'm almost halfway through cash out!" Then the member said "It's for me to know, and for you to find out!"

So to cut a long story short, acting on impulse, I joined the PTC site. This time I felt productive and was able to cash out at $0.05, better than nothing,huh. I don't know what's happening to me. I don't know why I'm joining the bandwagon when normally I would just snob such offers. Am I getting desperate? Desperate for what?

I dunno. So far this craze has just led me to a series of unfortunate events. I've yet to know if my paid to rate articles site is really a scam. It better not be, or else, I'll really blog about it and give them a mouthful of words. More than all the words in their articles put together.

Green Barley – A Miracle Food

Ate Ria, my cousin whom I’ve not seen for 2 decades recently found out that my dad has Stage 4 Lung Cancer. She visited my dad last month here in my place…somewhere in the Sta.Mesa-Quezon City Area. I was really surprised, the last time I saw her, I was still wearing pony tails.

I didn’t know that Ate Ria is a born again Christian, we were devout Roman Catholics. Despite our differences in worshipping God, we all sat down together to pray over for my dad and my daughter (who’s still being observed by her doctors after her open heart surgery). Ate Ria’s prayer really moved all of us, after the session we were all crying.

But, Ate Ria didn’t just come over to pray. She also gave my dad 3 bottles of Green Barley. My dad tried it at once. After finishing the first bottle, he noticed that he’s not having sleeping problems anymore. My mom got curious and decided to give it a try, too.

Ate Ria left a flyer here and I found out that it is best for people suffering from the following disorders:

-          Amenorrhea

-          Anemia

-          Asthma

-          Bronchitis

-          Burns

-          Cancer & Tumor formation

-          Cervical Ulcer

-          Cholelithiasis – Gallstones

-          Constipation

-          Cyst

-          Diabetes

-          Dysmenorrhea

-          Edema

-          Leukemia

And the list goes on..

My dad got hooked to drinking Green Barley, he actually became a dealer.

He gave me 2 free bottles to try..and I did. It actually tastes good. It reminds me of pineapple juice.

Now I’m sleeping better, too. Let's see what happens after I've gulped the entire bottle.

Expecting Not to Expect

…After a traumatic experience

After one year of breastfeeding , my period menstrual period came two months ago. I was waiting for my second cycle last month but it never came. I’ve been delayed for 10 days now, and I’m seriously starting to worry. What could’ve possibly gone wrong? I counted the days with my OB-GYNE and she said that I was safe. We were careful.

I am having mixed feelings about being pregnant again. I’m sure most trying-to-conceive couples would have a violent reaction to this.  If ever I’m pregnant, would the fetus feel a sense of rejection? I can’t help but feel guilty. Besides, our eldest is just 2 years old, and our daughter just turned 1. We feel that we have not spent enough time with them.

Deep in our hearts, my husband and I know that we are so not prepared to have another baby, yet. After all the trauma, after all the financial difficulties…

 Our first child had neonatal sepsis because my bag of water broke early. I was in labor for 24 hours before he came out via NSVD. Being in labor with a fever is a nightmare.  Doctors at Capitol Medical Center were already endorsing me for emergency cesarian section when my OB came. The residents couldn’t do anything but obey when she said, “There will be no CS. I told my patient she can do this. Kaya niya yan ang laking babae niyan eh, marunong naman mag-push gusto ninyo mag- CS? Eh kung i-CS ko kayong lahat?”

My second child is another story. She is the real reason behind my fear of being pregnant, again. She was also born via NSVD with perfect APGAR score…everything was perfect. She had fair skin, lots and lots of hair, red lips, and yes, dimples, too (just like her kuya). She was beautiful. It’s a good thing that  I had a good OB. She delivered my child via NSVD (again) though my child had her umbilical cord coiled around her neck. Only a top calibre OB can do that. I was under general anesthesia the whole time though it was a normal delivery. She said it was to slow down the birth process. I labored 6 painful hours for her but I was not awake when she came out.

Who would’ve thought that after 2 weeks she will be diagnosed with congenital heart disease known as TGA (transposition of great arteries). It was a life threatening disease that was common in boys. Her pedia-cardio said she needed ASO (arterial switch operation) asap, or else…

My husband and I rushed her to the Philippine Heart Center at once. We had no money and even if we had I’m sure it will not be enough to finance her operation, the doctors’ professional fees and other hospital expenses. We were blessed with kind relatives and friends because they were there for us when we needed them. They brought money, food, blankets and they even donated blood. They even had maternity napkins for me.  I am just an honourable housewife, I have nothing to give. My episiotomy wound was still fresh at that time so I was sore all over. Imagine what I had to go through while waiting for my child to come out of the operating room. I had to sleep on cold corridor floors. I was crying for 1 week straight because I could not fathom what I am experiencing. I was suffering from emotional and physical stress. I could not bear to look at my daughter, with her wounds and tubings. She had at least 7 holes in her body for her tubings, plus her chest wound.  It was not a pretty sight I wouldn’t wish it on my daughter’s frail body.

We nearly lost our daughter because of that operation. She coded and her heart stopped for a few seconds. She had a bleeding complication. It was such a traumatic experience. No parent would want to talk to a shaking (it was more like trembling) doctor right after child’s operation only to hear “We’re doing the best we can.”

It’s a good thing God listened to our prayers. My daughter made it through. We made it through. We made it through Ondoy( I was pregnant with her when it happened and I had to climb the roof, I had to walk more than 2 kms  just to get to a freaking evacuation center because no one wanted to rescue us, I had to wade in waist-deep water and yes I slipped several times. I had abdominal cramps and nearly lost her), we made it through her coiled cord and, we made it through her heart surgery.

We spent nearly 1 million pesos for her operation and we’re still paying for it now, still a long way to go.

So forgive me for being happy when I got this result in my pregnancy test:

God is good. I think this is His way of letting me spend more time with my gremlins.

 I'm just wondering...when will I have my monthly period again?

My little bundles of joy.